Domain of the Hydra

The Infamous Bumper Sticker and Quote List

"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"I love animals, they're delicious!"
"Out of my mind, back in five minutes."
"Cover me; I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools."
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep."
"I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather; not yelling and screaming, like the passengers in his car."
"Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian!"
"Its lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"It is as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you!"
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, just in case heaven is like the IRS."
"I took an IQ test, the results were negative."
"Your kid may be an honor student, but you are still an idiot."
"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately, it kills all its students!"
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about world peace; visualize using your turn signal!"
"Warning: Dates on calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born wet, naked, and hungry; then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: That annoying time between naps."
"I souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids, they'll choose your nursing home."
"There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't."
"Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"
"Ever stop to think and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock." -- Wynn Catlin
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
"I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die."
"I'm a corporate executive, I keep things from happening."
"If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question."
"Lobotomies for Democrats, it's the law."
"Bad cop! No donut!"
"This acid must be good. It feels like I'm driving!"
"Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?"
"Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup."
"Don't steal, the government doesn't like competition."
"Horn broken. Watch for finger."
"Clear the road. I'M SIXTEEN!"
"Work is for people who don't know how to fish."

"To 'err' is human. To really screw up, you need a computer."
"I owe, I owe, so off to work I go."
"Don't wash this vehicle, undergoing scientific dirt test."
"When Irish eyes are smiling, they are up to something."
"No money in this vehicle, driver is married."
"A closed mind is a wonderful thing to lose."
"Don't follow me, I'm lost."
"Fight crime, shoot back."
"When all else fails, manipulate the data."
"Why be difficult, be impossible."
"My karma ran over your dogma."
"A man's best friend is his dogma."
"I still miss my wife, but my aim is improving."
"If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!"
"If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished."
"Kids in the backseat cause accidents... accidents in the backseat cause kids."
"I'm not driving fast, I'm just flying low."
"The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions."
"If you can read this, you're in range."
"Life may suck, but it beats the alternative."
"Hang up and drive!"
"House guarded by a shotgun 3 nights a week. You guess which."
"Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?"
"Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges."
"When there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Which came first? The woman or the department store?"
"Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill."
"Live long enough to be a problem to your kids."
"If you cannot convince them, confuse them." -- Harry S Truman
"Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog---"
"If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane."
"Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more."
"Time flies when you don't know what you're doing."
"You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me."
"Warning: I intentionally run over small, furry animals."
"Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window."
"I Haven't Lost My Mind, It's backed Up On Disk somewhere."
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."
"I swerve for cats."
"When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout."
"I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back."
"I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean." -- G. K. Chesterton
"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Life is too complicated in the morning."
"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography"
"A fool and his money are a girl's best friend."
"Black holes are where God divided by zero."
"I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out."
"Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies."

"Get in, sit down, shut up, and hold on"
"So many pedestrians, so little time."
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
"Reality is for people who lack imagination"
"There's too much blood in my caffeine system"
"I Do Whatever The Little Voices Tell Me To Do"
"You're village called, their idiot is missing."
"I've gone to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here."
"MY voices can beat up YOUR voices!"
"Heartless mockery practiced here."
"You cannot wash away blood with more blood."
"How may I ignore you today?"
"What doesn't kill you merely postpones the inevitable."
"Age brings wisdom, or age shows up alone."
"Time is a great healer, but a lousy beautician."
"Smash head on keyboard to continue."
"Had a life. Got a modem."
"If at first you don't succeed, you must be installing Windows."
"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."
"Don't drink to drown your sorrow, sorrow knows how to swim."
"Don't believe everything you think."
"Remember: Pillage, then burn."
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
"Those who discourage your dreams likely have abandoned their own." -- Albert Einstein
"Keep honking. I'm reloading."
"I'm only here to ANNOY."
"When I want your opinion, I'll beat it out of you."
"Don't start with me, you will not win."
"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten."
"SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: Smoking is bad for you. You've always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyway?"
"I'll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter."
"I'm not as dumb as you look."
"If you aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Saturday has a morning?"
"Who needs sleep?"
"Lead me not into temptation, I know my way."
"Adrenaline is my drug of choice."
"I didn't do it. You can't prove it. Nobody saw me. The sheep are lying."
"I LOVE MY JOB. (shoot me, now)"
"Its not my fault. The monkey tricked me."
"Quiet brain, or I'll poke you with another Qtip!"
"Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change."
"5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park."
"Stop monkey hypnotism."
"Admit nothing. Deny everything. Make counter-accusations."
"Change is good. You go first."
"If you're happy and you know it, clank your chains."
"The longest sentence known to man: 'I do.'"
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

"Oxymoron # 3: Microsoft Works"
"Oxymoron # 5: Limited War"
"Oxymoron # 17: Rap Music"
"Oxymoron # 26: Good Morning"
"Oxymoron # 41: Government Assistance"
"Oxymoron # 42: Political Ethics"
"Oxymoron # 47: Military Intelligence"
"Oxymoron # 54: Postal Service"
"Oxymoron # 61: Original Copy"
"Oxymoron # 77: Soft Rock"
"Oxymoron # 85: Country Music"
"Oxymoron # 103: Airline Food"
"Oxymoron # 236: Self-Help Group"
"History may not repeat itself, but it does rhyme a lot."
"If you can smile when something goes wrong, you have someone in mind to blame it on."
"The 2 rules for success. 1. Never tell all you know."
"The truth is out there, but I forgot the URL."
"Nothing is more dangerous than an idea, when it's the only one you have."
"Sex is hereditary. If your parents didn't have it, neither will you."
"If there are other civilizations in space, I just hope we're able to attack first."
"No order. Chaos."
"Can't sleep? the clowns will get me."
"Even if the voices aren't real, they have some good ideas."
"Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell."
"You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones to concentrate on."
"Its lonely at the top. What? Like it's a big party at the bottom."
"War does not determine who is right, only who is left."
"My cult like following is now accepting applications."
"Fear is a weapon... that works only if we let it."
"Mom said there would be days like this, just not this dang many."
"Famous last words: Yes, Dear, I know what I'm doing."
"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung." -- Voltaire
"There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult."
"Why is lemonade made with artificial flavor, while cleaning fluid is made with real lemons?"
"Earth first. We'll screw up the other planets later."
"Time is of the essence. You smell that?"
"Sometimes 'the majority' only means all the fools are on the same side."
"Get a taste of religion: lick a witch."
"Witches parking only. All others will be toad."
"Denial ain't just a river in Egypt."
"Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either."
"Of course vi is God's editor. If He used Emacs, He'd still be waiting for it to load on the seventh day." -- Unknown
"We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass no matter how self-seeking." -- F.G. Withington
"A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free."
"Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence."
"Writers are the Gods and Goddesses of all that is insane and beyond comprehension."
"Remember: Sill is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life." -- Dave Butler
"Sex the Unix way: unzip; strip; touch; mount; fsck; more, yes, umount; sleep"
"Have the courage to take your own thoughts seriously, for they will shape you." -- Albert Einstein
"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it."

"A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take order, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solver equations, analyze a problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, and die gallantly. Specialization is for insects." -- Robert A Heinlein
"There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is one of them."
"Think of the average intelligence of a human being? then realize that half of them are dumber than that."
"LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand."
"I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself."
"If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you really make them think they'll hate you." -- Don Marquis
"Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job." -- Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
"Does is really matter what these affectionate people do - so long as they don't do it in the streets and frighten the horses!"
"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake." -- Napoleon Bonaparte
"Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults in adultery?"
"I believe that one of the characteristics of the human race - possibly the one that is primarily responsible for its course of evolution - is that it has grown by creatively responding to failure." -- Glenn Seaborg
"A ship in harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for."
"When someone says, 'Life is hard,' ask them, 'Compared to what?'"
"A great pleasure in life is doing that people say you cannot."
"I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way."
"Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic operators together." -- Steve Higgins
"The nobler sort of man emphasizes the good qualities in others, and does not accentuate the bad. The inferior does." -- Confucius
"In order to discover new lands, one must be willing to lose sight of the shore for a very long time." -- Anonymous
"Idiots of the world unite! Ye may have a brain cell among you!" -- Rhylos
"Of course I'm Evil, I'm Customer Service!" -- Rhylos
"Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen." -- Sir Winston Churchill
"Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped."
"Face your deficiencies and acknowledge them; but do not let them master you. Let them teach you patience, sweetness, insight." -- Helen Keller
"My life sucks, I can't wait until they release the new patch so I can update it."
"You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back."
"It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious."
"We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved."
"Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before."
"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is standing still ..." -- Steven Wright
"You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd."
"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war
"Life isn't fair. It's just fairer than death, that's all." -- William Goldman
"One man alone can be pretty dumb sometimes, but for real bona fide stupidity, there ain't nothin' can beat teamwork." -- Edward Abbey
"Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment." -- Evan Esar
"I believe that professional wrestling is clean and everything else in the world is fixed." -- Frank Deford
"My fellow Americans, I am pleased to tell you I just signed legislation which outlaws Russia forever. The bombing begins in five minutes." -- Ronald Reagan
"The height of cleverness is to be able to conceal it." -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others." -- Groucho Marx
"It's a dangerous business going out your front door." -- JRR Tolkien
"The only way to entertain some folks is to listen to them." -- Kin Hubbard
"Never face facts; if you do, you'll never get up in the morning." -- Marlo Thomas
"I hate television. I hate it as much as I hate peanuts. But I can't stop eating peanuts." -- Orson Welles
"He knows all about art, but he doesn't know what he likes." -- James Thurber
"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings." -- George F. Will
"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it." -- W. Somerset Maugham
"It's not a matter of whether or not someone's watching over you. It's just a question of their intentions." -- Randy K. Milholland
"Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth, but supreme beauty - a beauty cold and austere, like that of sculpture." -- - Bertrand Russell
"I've always found paranoia to be a perfectly defensible position." -- Pat Conroy
"God help those who do not help themselves." -- Wilson Mizner
"Half the money I spend on advertising is wasted; the trouble is I don't know which half." -- John Wanamaker

"If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having." -- Ambrose Bierce
"I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy." -- Frank Zappa
"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." -- Rodney Dangerfield
"I can forgive Alfred Nobel for having invented dynamite, but only a fiend in human form could have invented the Nobel Prize." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example." -- Mark Twain
"Winning may not be everything, but losing has little to recommend it." -- Dianne Feinstein
"Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead." -- Erma Bombeck
"Happiness is an imaginary condition, formerly attributed by the living to the dead, now usually attributed by adults to children, and by children to adults." -- Thomas Szasz
"Thinking well is wise; planning well, wiser; doing well is wisest and best of all." -- Persian Proverb
"The important thing in science is not so much to obtain new facts as to discover new ways of thinking about them." -- Sir William Bragg
"The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised." -- George F. Will
"We are continually faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems." -- John W. Gardner
"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." -- Walt Disney
"The only thing that overcomes hard luck is hard work." -- Harry Golden
"Among those whom I like or admire, I can find no common denominator, but among those whom I love, I can: all of them make me laugh." -- WH Auden
"It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf." -- HL Mencken
"All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy and Jill a rich widow." -- Evan Esar
"Sometimes I think we're alone. Sometimes I think we're not. In either case, the thought is staggering." -- R. Buckminster Fuller
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph." -- Shirley Temple
"No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous." -- Henry Adams
"I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge." -- Edward Chilton
"Skiing consists of wearing $3,000 worth of clothes and equipment and driving 200 miles in the snow in order to stand around at a bar and drink." -- PJ O'Rourke
"Philosophy is a battle against the bewitchment of our intelligence by means of language." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart." -- Fred Allen
"Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some." -- Alfred Hitchcock
"Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised." -- Marilyn Manson
"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work." -- Thomas A. Edison
"Before God we are all equally wise - and equally foolish." -- Albert Einstein
"If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised." -- Dorothy Parker
"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book." -- Groucho Marx
"Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards." -- Soren Kierkegaard
"The most savage controversies are those about matters as to which there is no good evidence either way." -- Bertrand Russell
"It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail." -- Gore Vidal
"I'm as pure as the driven slush." -- Tallulah Bankhead
"If not actually disgruntled, he was far from being gruntled." -- PG Wodehouse
"To err is human--and to blame it on a computer is even more so." -- Robert Orben
"Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first." -- Peter Ustinov
"A wise man gets more use from his enemies than a fool from his friends." -- Baltasar Gracian
"There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence." -- Henry Adams
"I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something." -- Jackie Mason
"Seriousness is the only refuge of the shallow." -- Oscar Wilde
"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." -- Charles M. Schulz
"The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best." -- Will Rogers
"The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." -- Herbert Agar
"It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time." -- Tallulah Bankhead
"We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming." -- Wernher von Braun
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." -- Michel de Montaigne
"Nothing says, 'I have no idea what to get you,' quite like giant beige bath towels." -- Missbhavens
"The keenest sorrow is to recognize ourselves as the sole cause of all our adversities." -- Sophocles

"It's a rare person who wants to hear what he doesn't want to hear." -- Dick Cavett
"My way of joking is to tell the truth. It is the funniest joke in the world." -- George Bernard Shaw
"Inanimate objects are classified scientifically into three major categories - those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost." -- Russell Baker
"I am a kind of paranoiac in reverse. I suspect people of plotting to make me happy." -- JD Salinger
"How can you govern a country which has 246 varieties of cheese?" -- Charles De Gaulle
"We hate some persons because we do not know them; and we will not know them because we hate them." -- Charles Caleb Colton
"One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say." -- Will Durant
"If the Phone Doesn't Ring, It's Me" -- Jimmy Buffett
"No one gossips about other people's secret virtues." -- Bertrand Russell
"Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember." -- Oscar Levant
"A wise man can see more from the bottom of a well than a fool can from a mountain top." -- Unknown
"Faith is, at one and the same time, absolutely necessary and altogether impossible." -- Stanislaw Lem
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it whether it exists or not, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedy." -- Ernest Benn
"If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going." -- Professor Irwin Corey
"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining." -- Jef Raskin
"Nothing can be so amusingly arrogant as a young man who has just discovered an old idea and thinks it is his own." -- Sidney J. Harris
"Many a man who falls in love with a dimple make the mistake of marrying the whole girl." -- Evan Esar
"Where we have strong emotions, we're liable to fool ourselves." -- Carl Sagan
"The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky" -- Solomon Short
"Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything." -- Charles Kuralt
"...when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth." -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
"Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself." -- Mark Twain
"I had a monumental idea this morning, but I didn't like it." -- Samuel Goldwyn
"Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff." -- Frank Zappa
"Diplomacy is to do and say, The nastiest thing in the nicest way." -- Isaac Goldberg
"Society, my dear, is like salt water, good to swim in but hard to swallow." -- Arthur Stringer
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it." -- Henry Allen
"Late to bed and late to wake will keep you long on money and short on mistakes." -- Aaron McGruder
"The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know." -- Will Rogers
"Men live in a fantasy world. I know this because I am one, and I actually receive my mail there." -- Scott Adams
"'Who are you and how did you get in here?' 'I'm a locksmith. And, I'm a locksmith.'" -- Leslie Nielsen
"If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive." -- Samuel Goldwyn
"The main dangers in this life are the people who want to change everything - or nothing." -- Nancy Astor
"The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it." -- Joan Rivers
"Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood."
"An economist is a surgeon with an excellent scalpel and a rough-edged lancet, who operates beautifully on the dead and tortures the living." -- Nicholas Chamfort
"You have to know how to accept rejection and reject acceptance." -- Ray Bradbury
"I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, and I know how bad I am." -- Joseph Baretti
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics." -- Benjamin Disraeli
"War is a cowardly escape from the problems of peace." -- Thomas Mann
"Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one." -- Albert Einstein
"When a goal matters enough to a person, that person will find a way to accomplish what at first seemed impossible." -- Nido Qubein
"I never saw a pessimistic general win a battle." -- E E Cummings
"You can only expand your capacities by working to the very limit." -- Hugh Nibley
"Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it." -- Elias Schwartz
"When they call the roll in the Senate, the Senators do not know whether to answer 'Present' or 'Not guilty.'" -- Theodore Roosevelt
"When someone tells you something defies description, you can be pretty sure he's going to have a go at it anyway." -- Clyde B. Aster
"If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is doing the thinking." -- Lyndon B. Johnson
"The coward dies a thousand deaths, the brave man...only five hundred." -- Meredith Willson
"Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important." -- Eugene McCarthy

"It was wonderful to find America, but it would have been more wonderful to miss it." -- Mark Twain
"Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting." -- Alan Dean Foster
"My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare." -- Mike Myers
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -- Friedrich Nietzsche
"Typos are very important to all written form. It gives the reader something to look for so they aren't distracted by the total lack of content in your writing." -- Randy K. Milholland
"The follies which a man regrets most, in his life, are those which he didn't commit when he had the opportunity." -- Helen Rowland
"Life is an opportunity, benefit from it. Life is a beauty, admire it. Life is a dream, realize it. Life is a challenge, meet it. Life is a duty, complete it. Life is a game, play it. Life is a promise, fulfill it. Life is sorrow, overcome it. Life is a song, sing it. Life is a struggle, accept it. Life is a tragedy, confront it. Life is an adventure, dare it. Life is luck, make it. Life is life, fight for it!" -- Mother Teresa
"Hollywood is a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss and fifty cents for your soul." -- Marilyn Monroe
"Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them." -- Rita Rudner
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so." -- Douglas Adams
"A great many people think they are thinking when they are really rearranging their prejudices." -- William James
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them." -- Samuel Butler
"There is a tragic flaw in our precious Constitution, and I don't know what can be done to fix it. This is it: Only nut cases want to be president." -- Kurt Vonnegut
"In politics you must always keep running with the pack. The moment that you falter and they sense that you are injured, the rest will turn on you like wolves." -- RA Butler
"People who say they sleep like a baby usually don't have one." -- Leo J. Burke
"There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." -- Douglas Adams
"Computers help us do stupid things faster!"
"The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder." -- Alfred Hitchcock
"The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable." -- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement." -- Charles M. Schulz
"I think that God in creating Man somewhat overestimated his ability." -- Oscar Wilde
"Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege." -- Unknown
"Everything of importance has been said before by somebody who did not discover it." -- Alfred North Whitehead
"The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of civilization." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"Why do writers write? Because it isn't there." -- Thomas Berger
"I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known." -- Walt Disney
"The people I distrust most are those who want to improve our lives but have only one course of action." -- Frank Herbert
"If everything seems under control, you're not going fast enough." -- Mario Andretti
"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe." -- Laurence J. Peter
"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do." -- Walter Bagehot
"They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, when they can see nothing but sea." -- Sir Francis Bacon
"An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do." -- Dylan Thomas
"Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own." -- Doug Larson
"You must first have a lot of patience to learn to have patience." -- Stanislaw J. Lec
"Never confuse movement with action." -- Ernest Hemingway
"Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose." -- Evan Esar
"Some people need a good imaginary cure for their painful imaginary ailment."
"The whole secret of life is to be interested in one thing profoundly and in a thousand things well." -- Horace Walpole
"Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems." -- Rene Descartes
"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to 99 cents a can. That's almost .00 in dog money." -- Joe Weinstein
"The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away." -- Ronald Reagan
"There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbors will say." -- Cyril Connolly
"There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot." -- Steven Wright
"The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth." -- Niels Bohr
"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends." -- Herbert Hoover
"The glory of friendship is not the outstretched hand, nor the kindly smile, nor the joy of companionship; it is the spiritual inspiration that comes to one when he discovers that someone else believes in him and is willing to trust him with his friendship." -- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"It's so much easier to suggest solutions when you don't know too much about the problem." -- Malcolm Forbes
"What this country needs is more free speech worth listening to." -- Hansell B. Duckett
"All of the books in the world contain no more information than is broadcast as video in a single large American city in a single year. Not all bits have equal value." -- Carl Sagan
"It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be coming up it." -- Henry Allen

"Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man." -- Leon Trotsky
"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead." -- Benjamin Franklin
"Nobody outside of a baby carriage or a judge's chamber believes in an unprejudiced point of view." -- Lillian Hellman
"Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary." -- Robert Louis Stevenson
"If people never did silly things, nothing intelligent would ever get done." -- Ludwig Wittgenstein
"You can only be young once. But you can always be immature." -- Dave Barry
"Talent hits a target no one else can hit; Genius hits a target no one else can see." -- Arthur Schopenhauer
"Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away." -- Thomas Fuller
"I never give them hell. I just tell the truth and they think it's hell." -- Harry S. Truman
"The future is here. It's just not widely distributed yet." -- William Gibson
"The most overlooked advantage to owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against wacking them around a little." -- Joe Martin
"And remember, no matter where you go, there you are." -- Earl Mac Rauch
"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." -- Ronald Reagan
"Happiness is not achieved by the conscious pursuit of happiness; it is generally the by-product of other activities." -- Aldous Huxley
"Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it." -- Laurence J. Peter
"Don't accept rides from strange men, and remember that all men are strange." -- Robin Morgan
"Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn't." -- Mark Twain
"Happiness is always a by-product. It is probably a matter of temperament, and for anything I know it may be glandular. But it is not something that can be demanded from life, and if you are not happy you had better stop worrying about it and see what treasures you can pluck from your own brand of unhappiness." -- Robertson Davies
"The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand." -- Frank Herbert
"He may be mad, but there's method in his madness. There nearly always is method in madness. It's what drives men mad, being methodical." -- GK Chesterton
"The best car safety device is a rear-view mirror with a cop in it." -- Dudley Moore
"If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?" -- Steven Wright
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." -- Rodney Dangerfield
"Since we cannot know all that there is to be known about anything, we ought to know a little about everything." -- Blaise Pascal
"Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." -- Arthur C. Clarke
"A joke's a very serious thing." -- Charles Churchill
"Always be wary of any helpful item that weighs less than its operating manual." -- Terry Pratchett
"In a real dark night of the soul it is always three o'clock in the morning, day after day." -- F. Scott Fitzgerald
"Americans detest all lies except lies spoken in public or printed lies." -- Edgar Watson Howe
"I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there." -- Richard Feynman
"There is no reciprocity. Men love women, women love children, children love hamsters." -- Alice Thomas Ellis
"That which has always been accepted by everyone, everywhere, is almost certain to be false." -- Paul Valery
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of." -- Burt Bacharach
"You can't have a light without a dark to stick it in." -- Arlo Guthrie
"My definition of an expert in any field is a person who knows enough about what's really going on to be scared." -- PJ Plauger
"The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials." -- Chinese proverb
"It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might remember." -- Eugene McCarthy
"A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic." -- Joseph Stalin
"A good many young writers make the mistake of enclosing a stamped, self-addressed envelope, big enough for the manuscript to come back in. This is too much of a temptation to the editor." -- Ring Lardner
"It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but it takes only one of them to scatter it all over the highway." -- Evan Esar
"Ability will never catch up with the demand for it." -- Malcolm Forbes
"A kleptomaniac is a person who helps himself because he can't help himself." -- Henry Morgan
"I fear the man who drinks water and so remembers this morning what the rest of us said last night." -- Greek Proverb
"You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun." -- Al Capone
"My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of the pessimists." -- Jean Rostand
"A diplomat... is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip." -- Caskie Stinnett
"Inspiration is wonderful when it happens, but the writer must develop an approach for the rest of the time... The wait is simply too long." -- Leonard Bernstein
"A cult is a religion with no political power." -- Tom Wolfe
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?" -- George Carlin
"Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings." -- Evan Esar

"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." -- Albert Einstein
"Part of the secret of success in life is to eat what you like and let the food fight it out inside." -- Mark Twain
"Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane." -- Philip K. Dick
"Everyone is a genius at least once a year. The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together." -- Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
"Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night." -- Edgar Allan Poe
"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use." -- Galileo Galilei
"In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm, and three or more is a congress." -- John Adams
"Confusion is always the most honest response." -- Marty Indik
"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." -- Edgar Wallace
"When love is gone, there's always justice./ And when justice is gone, there's always force./ And when force is gone, there's always Mom./ Hi, Mom!" -- Laurie Anderson
"If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door." -- Paul Beatty
"Peace is that brief moment in history when everyone is standing around reloading." -- Anonymous
"There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan and pool." -- L. M. Boyd
"We cross our bridges when we come to them and burn them behind us, with nothing to show for our progress except a memory of the smell of smoke, and a presumption that once our eyes watered." -- Tom Stoppard
"When we ask for advice, we are usually looking for an accomplice." -- Marquis de la Grange
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant." -- Scott Adams
"With a stop light, green means 'go' and yellow means 'slow down'. With a banana, however, it is quite the opposite. Yellow means 'go', green means 'whoa, slow down', and red means 'where the heck did you get that banana?'" -- Mitch Hedberg
"All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors."
"The truth is rarely pure and never simple." -- Oscar Wilde
"Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy? I don't know and I don't care." -- William Safire
"Few people can see genius in someone who has offended them." -- Robertson Davies
"A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author." -- G. K. Chesterton
"A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp." -- Joan Rivers
"Study without desire spoils the memory, and it retains nothing that it takes in." -- Leonardo da Vinci
"Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes." -- Edgard Varese
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man." -- Mark Twain
"The marvel of all history is the patience with which men and women submit to burdens unnecessarily laid upon them by their governments." -- William H. Borah
"When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: 'Whose?'" -- Don Marquis
"A superstition is a premature explanation that overstays its time." -- George Iles
"Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use." -- Wendell Johnson
"There is nothing more demoralizing than a small but adequate income." -- Edmund Wilson
"Management is doing things right; leadership is doing the right things." -- Peter Drucker
"Nobody believes the official spokesman... but everybody trusts an unidentified source." -- Ron Nesen
"Why is this thus? What is the reason for this thusness?" -- Artemus Ward
"An opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it." -- Jef Mallett
"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my body. Then I realized who was telling me this." -- Emo Phillips
"When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth." -- George Bernard Shaw
"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion." -- Steven Weinberg
"There are two ways to pass a hurdle: leaping over or plowing through... There needs to be a monster truck option." -- Jeph Jacques
"I'm a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." -- Thomas Jefferson
"The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers." -- Scott Adams
"A fine quotation is a diamond on the finger of a man of wit, and a pebble in the hand of a fool." -- Joseph Roux
"Those who can laugh without cause have either found the true meaning of happiness or have gone stark raving mad." -- Norm Papernick
"The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office." -- Robert Frost
"Anyone who works is a fool. I don't work - I merely inflict myself upon the public." -- Robert Morley
"Dreaming permits each and every one of us to be quietly and safely insane every night of our lives." -- William Dement
"Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to." -- Ambrose Bierce
"Estimated amount of glucose used by an adult human brain each day, expressed in M&Ms: 250" -- Harper's Index
"A sense of duty is useful in work, but offensive in personal relations. People wish to be liked, not be endured with patient resignation." -- Bertrand Russell
"I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be." -- Douglas Adams

"There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes." -- Doctor Who
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be and you will help them become what they are capable of becoming." -- Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
"Mankind have a great aversion to intellectual labor; but even supposing knowledge to be easily attainable, more people would be content to be ignorant than would take even a little trouble to acquire it." -- Samuel Johnson
"We must combine the toughness of the serpent with the softness of the dove, a tough mind with a tender heart." -- Martin Luther King, Jr.
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." -- Albert Einstein

Last Updated: October 25, 2009